Not My Cup of D

The prosthetic boobs had been a resounding success on our get-a-way weekend.  Such positive reinforcement lulled my lazy and simplistic brain into believing I had found the "perfect" solution.  The prosthetics were essentially "boobs on demand."  I figured I could wear them when I wanted a little attention or when I wanted to put curves in my clothing. I also had the choice to not wear them at all.   It seemed like a "win, win," but it has not panned out that way for me.

First of all, they are damned heavy.  After more than a year of running around boob-free, strapping on the new set feels like I'm going for a day hike.  If the new bra had a couple extra pouches for a ten essentials kit and one liter water bottle, it would equal the weight I'd carry up Dog Mountain.  I wore them to a fancy award dinner a few months ago.  My glitzy wrap top needed "the girls" to pull off the look.  They did make the outfit look good and I was able to diminish the annoying sensation of wearing them for a few hours.

When we got home, I could not wait to take them off.  As soon as I cruised through the kitchen, my hands were snaking up under my top to release the burden.  I was done wrestling the weighted bra by the time I passed the piano,which is where I deposited them without another thought.  The next day, I had to laugh when I caught a glimpse of the piano with it's "D Majors" sitting casually on the keyboard cover.    Surely Beethoven must be rolling over in his grave at such cavalier disrespect for das klavier.  I left them there, captive in the bra, for quite some time.  Ignoring and neglecting them was my lame attempt to demonstrate my dissatisfaction with them.  Note to self: inanimate objects always win emotional wars.

Secondly, the prosthetics have not worked for me because I have not mastered the mental muddle of wearing boobs part-time.  They are so miserable, heavy and hot that I cannot imagine wearing them on a daily basis.  Therefore, if boobs are not my "baseline," it feels strange to randomly appear sporting boobs at work or social events.  Who knew prosthetics required consistency to accomplish the pseudo-authenticity of a double-breasted woman?  If I wore them all day, everyday, I would surely take them off at bedtime.  That would be the antithesis of a signal to my husband that fun awaited.  Not wearing them every day and then putting them on at bedtime is also a set-up for a set-up.   The "expectation billboard" gets lit-up with halogen lights if I only put them on to signal time for action.

Having done the marine crawl through regimented intercourse during infertility treatment, I can attest to expectation having the polar opposite effect of Viagra.  Jokes are easy to make about infertility's required frequency of love-making being a "first class problem," but the reality is that protracted clinical demands eventually drain any joy out of the marital lake.  Once we were blessed with conception, I was not able to "bounce back" to my pre-infertility mindset about sex.  Three years of forcing a mood and juggling myriads of less-than-sensual emotions had left a kind of bruise.  It would be several years before I would be able to make love without any association to the taskiness of our previously essential pattern.  It is easy to understand why I might bristle at the thought of hanging an expectation out there which would put my husband in a "damned if you do and damned if you don't" position as well.  Where is the "win, win" now?  I would settle for just "win," but I don't even see that on the horizon.

Not in a million years, would I have ever predicted how important breasts were to the spontaneity of my romantic life.  My husband's admiration of them pleased my feminine vanity.  I liked the power of being able to flash my cleavage for a consistent response.  I liked the way he looked at me/them when I had them.  It was fun to be groped and those touches and kisses were usually what got the party started. Our definition of foreplay had consistently narrowed itself to the boob playground.  So what is a girl to do now?  I am not convinced, however, that reconstructive surgery is the answer to this dilemma.  From the man's perspective, reconstruction may fill the gap more than adequately.  From the woman's perspective, I am unconvinced that reconstructed breasts would accomplish the same thing. What most people are unaware of is that the skin covering those lovely mounds of silicone is numb.  Tattooed, reconstructed or salvaged nipples are also numb.  All the nerves have been cut.  My surgery left me with about a four-inch band of numbness that extends across my chest to the arm pits, up to the undersides of my upper arms, and around to the sides of my chest where the underarm meets the back.

While massaging a silicone implant may be arousing for one's husband, I am pretty sure that  I would not find it even remotely arousing.  At least for me, the numb areas on my chest and under my arms feel "gross" when I touch them.  I use a bath brush to wash my underarms so that I don't have to touch them.  I use spray-on deodorant in order to avoid the sensation of pushing a solid deodorant stick up against the skin.  I still hold my breath when I hastily shave the small amounts of hair that grow there.  If you were to try and tickle me under my arms, you would quickly call for an ice pack to soothe the spot where I instinctively punched you.  There is also a sensation of "tightness" that comes with healing.  The skin adheres to the tissue beneath and it feels like a long piece of duct tape is stuck across your chest.  It is not unpleasant, it just is.  In the bedroom, having my husband fondle my potential reconstructed breast would, I predict, be distracting to me.  My adoration for my husband and desire to provide what HE desires would in fact, give me the fortitude to ignore the less-than-sexy sensations of having him touching the numb skin.    If I had some assurance that reconstructed breasts actually accomplished true arousal for the partner, it would weigh heavily in my decision.  From the standpoint of reconstructing for my self image, I do not believe that I require breasts at this point to feel like a woman or to be happy.  I am still me and I don't feel like I need them to be "whole."  The fact that it may be important for him is one reason I would consider surgery.

I would love to see a serious study that surveyed men on their opinions of reconstructed breasts, prosthetics and the naked mastectomy chest.  I would love to provide a completely safe forum for their honest responses to be recorded when they are not being valiant for the sake of a partners feelings.  Hmmmmm, maybe I'll get a grant and do it myself.  When I was considering all my surgical options, I asked my breast surgeon and plastic surgeon about such a study.  I had to restate the question a couple times of times to make it clear I wanted to know about MALE responses to reconstruction.  Neither knew of a survey like that.  I truly believe a survey of that nature would be helpful to women in making such an important decision.  I REALLY want to know what percentage of men find a reconstructed breast attractive enough to be stimulating.    If it turned out that the majority said it worked for them, I would have likely leaned towards reconstruction believing that my husband would fall into the majority.  If it turned out that the majority of men felt reconstructed breasts did not have the desired effect, it might be helpful in a woman's decision process.  One thing is for sure, the decision to reconstruct has more layers than an onion. 

The focus of most reconstruction conversation seems to be confined to a woman's need to restore her own body image which includes how sexually attractive she feels.  That is part of the equation for me too, but I have a need to know that if I were to undergo such surgery and the subsequent replacement surgery for encapsulation, that it would be worth the effort.  If I am going to live with "ten pounds of pressure on my chest all the time," as one survivor described it, I want to know that I would have a high rate of meeting my desired outcomes. 

So, I continue on my journey to see if I really want and need breasts, either prosthetic or implants.  The current state of things is that I am boobless and hate the prosthetics.  That means I don't really have a boob back-up.  I am living 100% sans breasts.  The surgical door of reconstruction is still open to me.  If I choose to reconstruct at any time in the future, the results will likely be less aesthetic because of scar tissue that forms between the chest wall and the skin, making the resulting reconstruction less smooth in appearance.  Waiting also means I would have two incision lines coming off of the nipple area.  If I had had immediate reconstruction, they could have hidden the incisions and possibly salvaged nipples.  All these disadvantages to waiting were not explained to me pre-op.  I had to find them out on my own.  I don't think I would have changed my decision not to immediately reconstruct, but I might have.  I am just as curious as you are where this process of discovery will take me. 

What I can tell you is that you should "smoke 'em while you got 'em."  Enjoy your breasts with a new respect and appreciation for their contribution to who you are and the pleasure they offer in the realm of love.  Take good care of them, but never, never ever, turn your back on them in case they try to kill you.  Don't be a boob, do your monthly exam and get your mammograms from age 40 on.  Don't miss a year.  It could be the difference between "You caught it early." or "You have metastasis."  Now, go buy a really sexy bra, something scandalous and lacey, perhaps a demi-cup, and surprise your husband.  Then, when you are wondering what color to paint the ceiling tonight, give me a mental nod!

Sorry for the delay...I just had my hip replaced!

I am five weeks post right total hip replacement and doing fantastic.  The months leading up to that were incredibly painful, sleepless and draining.  Now that recovery is nearly complete and I am not living in the significant chronic pain 24/7, I am dying to get back on the writing horse and share with you the nitty gritty of post-mastectomty life as well as the blessings that come with it.  Trust me, there ARE blessings and they surprise you  in the form of opportunities, amazing people I might not have met without getting cancer and simply in the form of sunsets, smiles, being loved and having the opportunity to love.  My journey has been filled with difficulties, but truly, my heart is full of joy because my life is in God's hands.  I know who He is.  I know what He has promised.  I know He is a god of His word.  I know what He has done for me and all of us.  Knowing God, our Heavenly Father, the Son, Jesus Christ the Messiah, and being filled with the amazing power of the Holy Spirit is the source of my joy and strength.  If I die today, the only thing that matters that I might have left undone was sharing with you my well of happiness and strength.  Because I believe that we were created in the image of God, I believe that we are spiritual beings.  We are attracted to beauty, truth and love because we are created by God.  My hope is that you will nurture your spiritual self.  Often the "hole" people feel in their lives is the undeveloped spiritual self.  Seek God and He promised He will meet you.  Get to know Him through His own words.  Pick up the New Testament (I like the New International Version), Read the first four books: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.  This will tell you who Jesus is.  Then read Romans (16 short little chapters that apply to every single person past and present).  Then, try to let the love and grace of God sink in.  I don't promote any one denomination over another, but I adhere to the theology of the protestant reformation.  I offer that if you have questions, seek out a pastor or solid Christian from any protestant church and explore where the Holy Spirit guides you.  Once you let God in your life and begin nurturing your own spirit with the word of God, the curtains will be pulled back from your view of life and the world system.  You will have peace and be connected to the love, mercy and care of the one true God who made you.  Peace be with all of you.  God be with all of you.