I would be lying if I said I had not asked myself, "What if it comes back and you've spent so much time, energy and money, all for naught?" Questions like that come up when it has been explained to you that you can never truly be "cancer-free." Aside from the general desire/plan to live as long as possible to hang with my people, this marks the first occasion I have made a long term commitment as a breast cancer survivor.
I am 52 years old, a critical care nurse of nearly 30 years who wants to go to graduate school to earn an MSN Nurse Educator degree. I have milked my associate degree in nursing and my BS in biblical education as far as I can. I want a booster shot of current nursing theory and the credentials to help advance the profession I love. That's all well and good, but what if the cancer comes back $20,000 into the journey? Will I regret that I spent every moment of free time studying instead of hanging with my son and husband? Will I feel like I have wasted critical family resources?
If I dare breathe these questions out loud, the listener rushes to reassure so quickly that I sense the topic too unhappy for a "real" discussion. But if you live with the very real threat of cancer, you cannot help but ask the obvious, even if it is uncomfortable. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that even without cancer, I could sign up for grad school and still be newly diagnosed at any point along the way or I could step off the proverbial curb and get hit by a bus. It just feels like my risk is double that of the undiagnosed, sweetly ignorant, cancer-free student.
So, what does one do? Well, I have decided to move forward, prayerfully and with confidence that my Heavenly Father will make it clear to me whether I should pursue this or not. I figure there are many places in the application process that could be used as "STOP" signs. After all, my credits are rather dusty and I was not a straight A student back in the early 1980's. Not "getting in" could be a huge red flag to the undertaking. Applying to grad school requires a written statement of professional goals. This would be another opportunity for a red flag to drop if my writing sample was not up to snuff.
As of today, no red flags have dropped. I have been accepted to Sacred Heart University in Fairfield, Connecticut and begin class on October 22nd. I am giddy with excitement and so happy to start the process. I will move forward with confidence that God is in control of my life. The Bible states that He knew the number of days I would live before I was born. He knows the exact number of hairs on my graying head. He loves me. I have seen Him work in my life and trust that whatever is in store, there is a purpose in it to improve me, glorify Him and help some one else. I have peace about being in His hands. I wish the same peace for all of you. Go in peace, serve the Lord. Live boldly and be a blessing to people around you.
Jen
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